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Casual World

This is a place where people can come together and be...Well, casual. Make friends, make enemies and make pie!. Okay, no pie but theres friends, enemies and much, much more!


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[Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.]

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mariosuperlative
pivotman99
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1[Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Empty [Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Sat Feb 21, 2009 4:05 pm

pivotman99

pivotman99
Moderator
Moderator

There he was. Outside of his uncle’s house in Chicago. Not knowing all the things that were about to happen. It was the year 2030. It was a nice day. But, at a bad time. His parents had just died. Their last words, “I’m gonna go out for the night. Bye see you when I pick you up in the morning, Derek.” He was at his friend’s house when it happened. His parents had been murdered. Now, he was in the sun. An orphan. No guardian. Because he ran away. He hated his uncle. Then he came outside. “Hey! Derek come back here!” But, it was to late. Derek was gone.

Chapter 1

I was running. No were in particular. No sense of direction, I turned right. I couldn’t have a guardian. Not today not ever. I felt my eyes water. My face drenched with grief. Faint memories or happiness ran through my head. I’m ten! Nothing like this happens! i saw an abandoned warehouse. That was good. Time for hiding.
I was in. Hiding. No food or water though. I need to move. Not now. Wait… I hear something.

Chapter 2

I saw it. He looked like my uncle. But buffer and faster. I hid behind some crates. I saw him. He knew I’d run here. He looked near where I was hiding in a I’m-so-totally-faking-not-knowing-where-he-is look. Right then and there, I knew my life wasn’t gonna be normal. And worse, never was.

Chapter 3

Knowing or living, I know I had to live. It’s hard to explain. I went into zero space. Time didn’t flow. It waited for me. I was starting to form a picture in my mind. I saw a room. There was a red and gold carpet. Like the ones you would see in a castle. And that it was. A castle. I walked down the carpet and saw a throne. You would never guess who was there. My dad.

Chapter 4

“Hello son.” He said “Been awhile.” I was shocked. He just stared at me. My dad. A king. “Hi dad.” I replied.
“Y’know, my loyal subjects call me ‘your highness’. But, you’re the execption.”
“Thanks dad. Um… how did you…. Y’know…” Shocked, shocked, shocked. It’s like he could read my thoughts. “It’s because I can read your thoughts. Oh, and I’m a king because… Well, I’m the king of thoughts.” Well, talk about a shocker. No wonder he could always tell when I lie.

Chapter 5

Zap! Thats all I could remember. Then I was back to reality. I saw my uncle, back in the same place. It took me a minute to remember what was going down. I rolled away from the crate just in time to see shards of wood fly.He missed me again trying to smack in a good upper cut. I climbed up on to the top crate in a pyramid shape. Then my nose started to bleed. I couldn’t see my uncle. So fast! I saw my chance. He was right under me. I jumped on his back. He ran around faster and faster. I was so dizzy. Then, I jumped off his back landing in the pyramid. My back was bruised. I fainted.
I woke up in a… Dungeon? This life is making less and less sense by the action. But, wait. It’s not a dungeon. More like a……. maze? No. Laberynth.

Chapter 6

Kings, princes, new worlds, super uncles, and now this. My life is pretty exiting. I started walking, when I saw the path get darker the farther it went. I grabbed a torch off the wall and walked further. Then it struck me. This is a laberynth. What’s in laberynths? Minotuars.
Minotuars. No. A minotuar. Better yet, the minotuar. As in the one Perseus slayed. Great. I love this world. I walked further and the floor changed to grass. Then the walls disapeared. Before I knew it, I was in a pieceful Pennsylvania field. I walked further. I tried to turn directions, but I hit an invisible wall and the laberynth was back. Im going to be here forever, aren’t I?

Chapter 7.

I ran. Ran, ran, and ran. Finally I found a little triangle thing. I was about to press it to see what would happen, but I heard a snorting. I looked behind me. I saw minotaur. Thats when I went back to my own little world.
“Dad?”
“Son. I need to give you something.”
“What?”
“A weapon.”
He handed me a piece of wood.
“Okay…”
“When the time comes it will be all you need.”
I came back to my senses. I starred at the minotaur. It charged. I dove out of the way just in time. I looked at my hand. The board wasn’t doing anything. I looked up just in time to seethe minotaur get ready to charge. I threw the board at him. But, when it hit, it was a spear. Then minotaur lay there, dead. I looked at the wall. I pressed the triangle. It revealed a secret passage. I walked in. I was finally out of there.

Chapter 8.

As I walked out, the sun was beating on his face. It was hot. No were near the same a Chicago. I looked around the vast plains. He looked up. There were many clods in the sky. If only my dad could help him now. I might stay here awhile. It was a beautiful sight. The sun was setting. I decided to sleep.

mariosuperlative

mariosuperlative
Admin
Admin

It's good, but it's nothing groundbreaking. Work on your grammar and pace-the conscructive criticism I give almost every story (besides awesome ones) I see. But I like it...better than people in my class. Keep it up. alien

pivotman99

pivotman99
Moderator
Moderator

(LOLZ! ^^)

Thnx. See how I put more detail in chapter 8? Does anyone think I should keep putting in all that detail? It would really help if you gave your opinion. KTHNXBAI!

4[Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Empty Re: [Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Tue Feb 24, 2009 12:16 pm

mariosuperlative

mariosuperlative
Admin
Admin

Yes, put in as much detail as you can without becoming tedious-which can be more than you'd think, actually.

5[Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Empty Re: [Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Tue Feb 24, 2009 12:25 pm

Mysterymason

Mysterymason

I really liked it, but it has a bit small chapters.
All in all, it was really good.

pivotman99

pivotman99
Moderator
Moderator

I know there are short chapters; It'll be a long story.

Areoin

Areoin

Pivot, you never cease to amaze me with your stories. I liked this one almost more than I liked my own stories. I hope to see more from you man.

By the way, I'm the first not to notice the short chapters or comment on them! Oh, wait! Oops. Laughing

8[Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Empty Re: [Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Tue Mar 10, 2009 12:48 pm

mariosuperlative

mariosuperlative
Admin
Admin

I hate how a story like this can beat mine to the ground so much. Areoin, your writing style is refined and epic, I'd have thought you wouldn't like things simple like this. This is a good story, but it really needs a lot of work on its simplicity. I like it, I won't deny that. But as it turns out, barely anyone likes my story. I'm younger than you think I am. Much younger. Almost as young as Slater.

Areoin

Areoin

I could care less about age and maturity in the writing you have produced. What matters is your way with the words you write. I can visualize what you are writing and understand what you are talking about. I'd read a short by you over an Al Franken book any day. Hell, I'd go as far as to say you are a better writer than he will EVER hope to be.

Mario, GOOD writers are a rare breed in this world. While your stories are not groundbreaking(no offense), they are very good, in my opinion. Who cares if nobody enjoys your stories? You will get better over time.

10[Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Empty Re: [Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Wed Mar 11, 2009 10:34 am

mariosuperlative

mariosuperlative
Admin
Admin

Was the first paragraph in that post about Pivot or me? I'm confused. confused

11[Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Empty Re: [Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Wed Mar 11, 2009 3:44 pm

amanningman88

amanningman88
Admin
Admin

geez, guys, you're making me feel like an old geezer.
mario's almost as young as slate and mystery? omg!

12[Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Empty Re: [Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Wed Mar 11, 2009 5:31 pm

mariosuperlative

mariosuperlative
Admin
Admin

Do you know their age? It's my birthday next wednesday, then I'll be two years older than them, I think. Wink

13[Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Empty Re: [Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Wed Mar 11, 2009 8:34 pm

amanningman88

amanningman88
Admin
Admin

mariosuperlative wrote:Do you know their age? It's my birthday next wednesday, then I'll be two years older than them, I think. Wink
yeah, mystery told me their age.
two years older isnt bad.
although it proves you are illegally questionably young for kong.

14[Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Empty Re: [Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Wed Mar 11, 2009 8:49 pm

Areoin

Areoin

Wow. This is way off topic guys. It's funny. But this topic is not to argue on age, but to concentrate on the excellent story written by Pivotman.

15[Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Empty Re: [Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Thu Mar 12, 2009 12:07 pm

mariosuperlative

mariosuperlative
Admin
Admin

Areoin wrote:Wow. This is way off topic guys. It's funny. But this topic is not to argue on age, but to concentrate on the excellent story written by Pivotman.

Yours is much better, same goes for the others on here. Not that this is bad, the others are just better.

16[Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Empty Re: [Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Thu Mar 12, 2009 3:41 pm

amanningman88

amanningman88
Admin
Admin

mariosuperlative wrote:
Areoin wrote:Wow. This is way off topic guys. It's funny. But this topic is not to argue on age, but to concentrate on the excellent story written by Pivotman.

Yours is much better, same goes for the others on here. Not that this is bad, the others are just better.
i agree. aroein is by far the best story writer on here, but pivot isnt bad either.

17[Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Empty Re: [Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Thu Mar 12, 2009 8:59 pm

Areoin

Areoin

I wouldn't go as far as to say that I am the best writer on here. I have only submitted one story. The only way to know who is the best writer here is by to read and review all the stories someone has submitted. Judging on one story proves absolutely nothing other than it is a great first story.

18[Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Empty Re: [Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Fri Mar 13, 2009 1:25 pm

amanningman88

amanningman88
Admin
Admin

ive seen your other posts, ive talked to you, i can see that you write articulately even when just being casual.

19[Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Empty Re: [Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Fri Mar 13, 2009 3:15 pm

mariosuperlative

mariosuperlative
Admin
Admin

amanningman88 wrote:ive seen your other posts, ive talked to you, i can see that you write articulately even when just being casual.

Agreed. He'd make a better mod than all of us put together.

20[Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Empty Re: [Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Fri Mar 13, 2009 4:44 pm

Zerzavy

Zerzavy
Moderator
Moderator

mariosuperlative wrote:
amanningman88 wrote:ive seen your other posts, ive talked to you, i can see that you write articulately even when just being casual.

Agreed. He'd make a better mod than all of us put together.
ssshhhh dont tell him Wink

21[Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Empty Re: [Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Fri Mar 13, 2009 5:50 pm

Areoin

Areoin

Wait. What are we not telling me?

22[Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Empty Re: [Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Fri Mar 13, 2009 6:47 pm

Zerzavy

Zerzavy
Moderator
Moderator

/taze_areoin k, we're safe now

23[Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Empty Re: [Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Fri Mar 13, 2009 7:22 pm

Areoin

Areoin

What has happened?! Why am I being tased? I sense a cover up....

24[Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Empty Re: [Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Sun Mar 15, 2009 1:32 pm

pivotman99

pivotman99
Moderator
Moderator

Mario, if anyone knew my age, I would be banned from most sites. Smile

25[Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Empty Re: [Story] The kid. [8 chapters so far.] Sun Mar 15, 2009 2:26 pm

mariosuperlative

mariosuperlative
Admin
Admin

pivotman99 wrote:Mario, if anyone knew my age, I would be banned from most sites. Smile

Ah! If you're underage, I respect your stories a lot more than I currently do.

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